Today was my first attempt to start a blog and change my life. It felt like a test of how badly I needed this blog in order to achieve its purpose. Being all sorts of HTML illiterate, creating a blog wasn’t as simple as ABC & 1-2-3 and I felt like quitting. First, I had to come up with a name for my site. And for those who have struggled with this, you already know that this isn’t easy. Because as soon as you arrive at that site name that is so meaningful that it has to be the one, you discover it’s already taken. Fun! Anyway, several hours of research on how to create a blog and a couple hundred dollars later, I got to where I needed to be – writing. And although this site looks nothing near what I was envisioning and it may be months before I learn how to use this dashboard, I am happy that I didn’t quit. Why? Because life is just like that. Never what you imagine and full of surprises you are sometimes never ready for.
The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my attempts to find myself and achieve the “Happy Life” through short term experiments inspired by others. Having found success in many areas of my life, I still felt a void after every achievement. I have been fortunate to live a life that some can only dream of. And even being aware of this, I could never feel a deep emotion evoking appreciation after every travel, once in a lifetime experiences, and material gains. I am very thankful for my life, but cannot shake the feeling of emptiness. I thought reading self help books/sites and inspirational stories would improve my morale and pull me out of my slump, but it only motivated me to work harder and accomplish other successes. My actionable attempts to induce positive emotions, such as shopping sprees, only produced short term happiness.
After an aimless night of online binge shopping, a friend helped me discover that all my actions were never intentional. I was living life on auto-pilot. Going with the flow and seeking what society defines as success in order to feel accepted. I never truly connected to the events/people in my life and the world around me. How could I when I wasn’t sharing a true picture of me?
Those who know me know that I hate being alone. For many years, I chalked it up to my extrovert need to be recharged by others. In reality, I hated the uncomfortable silence experienced between myself and a stranger and didn’t realize, that in being alone, I was left with the stranger that was myself. I didn’t know this person and being alone would allow for intimacy that I wasn’t ready for. I busied myself with work and other activities in order to never feel this discomfort. This fear shared the same reason as my fear of trying new things and failing – rejection.
Now I know that living life in fear of rejection is the same as not living at all. I want to discover me and all that makes me happy, and I hope to inspire others to do the same. Because when we are truly happy as ourselves, we gain a purpose and can meaningfully contribute to the world. Cheesy.
So here goes….